today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
