Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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