I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
are you so shy because you have an std?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
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