I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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