Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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