its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Two words: blizzard sex
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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