So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
