the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
