I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
