is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
