Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
