to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
