I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
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