It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
