Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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