Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
And then my night got REAL pukey
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
