am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
