I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
