I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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