I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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