Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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