im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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