u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Randomize
