mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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