I wish I could teleport
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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