just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
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