I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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