Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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