I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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