The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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