My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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