I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
We have started to decorate penises.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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