RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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