Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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