Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
