Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
