i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
