She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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