Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
