when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Randomize
