She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
