It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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