You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
