Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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