I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
