i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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