you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
