My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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