remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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