Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
