he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
You are the jesus of drinking
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
