I only kidnapped one of them. chill
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
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