dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize