i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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