why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Acid is not a monday night drug
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Randomize
