This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
