I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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