This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize