I'm gonna have a badass scar
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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